A year ago today my family’s life changed. My mom had gone to the hospital on January 13, 2017, with what she thought was a stroke. Even though the symptoms were similar, she was not responding to the medication to relieve the pain. By Sunday the 15th, one year ago today, we were told the devastating news no one wants to hear. My mom had cancer. She was diagnosed with a glioblastoma which is one of the most aggressive forms of cancer, and it was in her brain.
When I was thinking about what to write today, I thought about our reactions and decisions and feelings associated with that day. There are so many things that have happened since that day that I could write about. I think that at some point I will write about those. In fact, I want to write a series about words associated with a cancer diagnosis. They aren’t necessarily words for the patient but words for the family. But today, I want to talk about the word “paralyzed.”
We had to make some quick decisions with and for my mom when we received the diagnosis. Fortunately, mom was able to help in those decisions, and we all decided on surgery followed by radiation and chemo. While we were in the processes of everything related with my mom, we just acted. We went day to day. We only planned out the next few days or maybe a few weeks.
We were paralyzed to plan further than that. We had been told that most of the patients that have glioblastomas removed will have a reoccurrence within the first year, and they won’t live long when it reoccurs. We knew we had limited time with mom. So long term plans were put on hold. When people asked me about any plans, I would say it depends on what was happening with my mom. My brothers couldn’t make long term plans, even ones associated with jobs. All three of us were juggling schedules because we had decided to take care of mom during this time. Since we all lived long distance from her, that also took a coordinated effort on our parts. Our spouses put plans on hold because none of us knew what the future held. But it was what we wanted to do for our mom. It was how we honored her and how we honored our promise to our dad to take care of mom.
In a little over 8 months my mom reached her eternal reward. I may write other blog posts that cover more about her journey (and our journey with her). I will say this for now. My brothers and I do not regret the journey with our mom. There were hard days. There were great days. There were days we didn’t know if we could do it anymore. But we look back and are glad we did the journey with her the way we did.
However, for me, the word paralyzed is still part of my journey. At the beginning of last year, I had made some plans to accomplish some things, as most of us do. When things happened with mom, those were put on hold. I don’t regret that at all. As I told mom last summer, there was nothing I would rather be doing than spending time with her. But ever since she has been gone, I have this sense of still being paralyzed. It’s as if everything is still on hold. I can’t seem to get going again. I know I should. I go through my day doing the things that have to be done. I go to work and teach. I get the paperwork done that needs to be done. I go to church. I put one foot in front of the other…. But other than that…I feel like I’m still waiting. I just don’t know what I’m waiting for. Paralyzed.
Maybe this is part of the grief process. Maybe everyone feels this way at some point in their life whether they are going through grief or just going through a rough time in their life. I do know that I’m ready for this feeling to go away. I think I’ll cling to my mom’s favorite verses for a while. “Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.” (Psalm 37:4-5 KJV).
Laughter and Tears on the Journey 