Welcome to Laughter and Tears on the Journey

I have always liked the word “journey.”  It doesn’t indicate a straight path.  It indicates meanderings and possibilities.  Of course, it also opens up a person to obstacles and hardships. As I thought about starting a new blog, I tried to focus on one aspect of life so I could focus the blog.  Then I realized that the Journey I was on and everyone else was on was Life.   We all have so many things going: home, work, church, family, school, illness, weddings, ball games, and on and on.  And with all of this, there are the days that we laugh all day long, and then there are the days we cry all day long.  Or there are the days I’ve had recently where I’ve been laughing one hour and crying the next and then laughing again before the day was over.  And it’s all because of the journey.  It’s all because this path we are on is not straight and narrow and smooth.

I would like to share this journey with you.  I would like to open my journey up to you and share what I am learning and my struggles.  I would like to hear from you and learn from your journey.  You see, we are not on the journey alone.  We are in community on this path.  There are people along the way that help us every single day in one way or the other.  And there are people we can help while we are on our way.

So who is ready to come along side of me on my journey?  Let’s share some laughter and tears and do this journey of life together.

Made for This

Summer is practically over! Maybe not on the traditional calendar. It is only August 14^th. But for many of us, we have either gone back to school or will be starting school this week.  I’ve been in meetings this week and will have 96 students in my middle school classroom in two days!

The last year and a half has been rough for me.  I’m not going to lie.  Some days I’m surprised I made it without just falling in the floor and throwing a temper tantrum or a crying fit.  As many of you know, my mom was diagnosed in January of 2017 with a brain tumor, and she went to heaven in September that year.   Needless to say, grief comes and goes, and dealing with it has been a rollercoaster. Well, last school year was hard. Not just because of losing my mom. The kids were very hard to teach. We had many discipline issues, lots of admin changes, just many things that made it tough.  In fact, last year was so tough, I was really starting to count down to retirement.  I mean I was really thinking about what I wanted to do after my teaching career.  I’m too close to that mark to stop teaching now, but I was looking for the finish line.

I think that’s why God gives teachers summers.  I thought I would get a lot of stuff done this summer, but I didn’t do as much as I thought I would.  I did get a few projects done, but I think I processed more than anything.  You see, when my mom passed in September of 2017, I was at home right before, I stayed and helped clean out the house after the funeral, and then I went right back to work the following week.  I didn’t really have any downtime.  Like I said, grief is a rollercoaster.  Depression is real.  I’m not going to say I’m “over” anything.  However, I do feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I have been getting ready for school this last week and a half.  I’ve been very focused, and as it gets closer, I am getting more excited. And you know why?  I’m made for this career.  This is what I’m called to do.  God called me to teach when I was in college.  As I was listening to the radio, a song came on, and what was it called? “Made for This” by Carrollton.  If you haven’t heard it, you need to go listen. The lyrics are below.  The words just spoke to me!  I am made to teach.  I’m not going to lose because I’m where God has called me.  I have His Power with me every day!  On those days when you’re struggling, remember that if you are where God has put you, you are “made for this!”

So in two days, bring it on! I am looking forward to getting to know my new set of 96 students and seeing what God and I can do together this year!

 

“Made for This” by Carrolton

Verse 1]
I take a breath, I’m not gonna lose
This is what I came here to do
I walk that wire and I take that step
Won’t look down got no regrets
Won’t look down got no regrets

[Chorus]
I was made for this
I was made for this
Born in the wild
Formed in the fire
Built for the battle
I was made for this
I was made for this
Mind over matter
Silence the doubters
I have the power
Oh, I was made for this

 

[Verse 2]
I don’t give up I won’t back down
Goodbye worries no time to doubt
I feel the power, I won’t be afraid
Fear won’t stop me, I don’t break

[Bridge]
I’m a soul on a wire
That’s where I feel alive
Open up the sky
I’m a soul on a wire
That’s where I feel alive
Open up the sky
I am free to fly

It is Well

I have been teaching for 22 years!  That seems like a long time!  I know that there are others who have taught much longer than that, and I applaud them!  On top of teaching for 22 years, the last 11 of them have been in middle school. Again, I know that there are those that have beaten me in that number too.  Well, I figure that my teaching job definitely fits the description of laughter and tears on the journey.

I have told my students many times that I am entertained every day.  There is usually something said or done every day that makes me laugh.  One day all my students just fell in the floor during the middle of class while I was working at my desk. Without looking up, I just told them that a bunch of Pre-AP students must want detention.  I’ve never seen a class full of students get in their seats so quickly. Finally, someone quietly said another teacher told them to do it.  I let them think they were in trouble and then finally cracked a smile.  I’ve never seen a class of kids so relieved!

Of course, there are times that the job can make me cry, too.  I’ve had multiple students run away from home. I’ve had students tell me they were up all night because a family member was arrested.  Just the other morning we had a mom of a student commit suicide. These kids will definitely break your heart.

This year has been especially hard for me.  I started the year after taking care of my mom for a good part of the summer. I enjoyed every moment I spent with her. But when I took her home, I knew she wouldn’t live many months longer.  When school started, we had the worst group of students we had encountered in several years.  Discipline issues were off the chart.  They didn’t care about what was going on in the classroom.  Of course, my heart was crushed when my mom passed, and depression set in for many months.  This spring the depression started lifting. Then Oklahoma teachers walked out!  For two weeks, there was no school right when we were supposed to start testing.

I feel like my year has been piecemeal at best. I’ve done the lessons. I’ve graded the papers. I’ve attended the meetings. But “It” was missing. I was worrying if I was going to make it until retirement after all.

I was sitting at my desk grading papers just the other day. My Pre-AP class had read “The Giver” and had to answer a prompt about being told what your job would be at age 12. I was reading their responses which included things like maybe not liking something someone else chose or not getting to do what you’re passionate about. While grading I was listening to music, and “It is Well” by Bethel Music came on.  As the chorus sang “It is well/It is well with my soul”, I just started smiling.

I know. I know that this is exactly where I’m supposed to be. I went back and looked at the lyrics, and I’m amazed that God just spoke to me as I graded that particular assignment with that particular song. “And far be it for me to not believe/Even when my eyes can’t see.” There were so many times this past year that I had no idea how I would make it through the next day.  But I did.  “So let go my soul and trust in Him.” I had to do that so many times this last year (and years before).  That’s why as I graded those papers, I could smile and sing along, “And through it all, through it all/My eyes are on You/And it is well with me.”

HOPE2HEAL

I want to share about a very exciting ministry with you today.  My brother, James Crum, has started this ministry with his family as a branch of his overall ministry.  I want to share how the ministry idea started.

HOPE2HEAL comes out of an experience we had when our mom was in the hospital.  As most of you know, she had been diagnosed with a glioblastoma in January 2017.  The first step we took was surgery to remove the tumor.  Mike had taken a break from sitting with mom, and James and I were there with her in ICU after surgery when we heard a knock on the door. We weren’t sure who it was at first, so I went to the door.  When I got there, I recognized one of my friends from high school.  Now high school was a LONG time ago! And to be honest, I didn’t have very many close friends, but this lady was one of the ones I counted as a true friend.  She told me she just wanted to stop by and give me a little something and let me know she was praying for my mom, me, and my entire family.  She hugged me, and I cried!  She didn’t stay.  She just wanted us to know she was thinking about us.  I returned to the room and explained to James who it was, and we looked in the bag.  We found pens, a notebook, a puzzle book, mints, candy, just little things to use as we sat with mom.

That little gift meant so much!  We used that notebook for the rest of the time we took care of mom!  We had so many notes about doctor’s appointments, lists of things to do, notes to leave for each other as we came and went.  The puzzles helped pass the time.  Candy is always good! That gift though, really impacted my brother.  He knew then that one day he wanted to do something like this.  Our journey with our mom is done, but we are ready to journey with others.

HOPE2HEAL has been started.  They will provide care packs to those who are receiving cancer treatments.  They will have some basic things in them that people need as they go back and forth to treatments like a water bottle, lotion, hand sanitizer, warm socks, etc.  They will also have some scriptures and a personal note in each one.  We are so excited for this ministry!  Even though my brother is heading it up, I plan to be involved in it as well.

If you would like more information, I would encourage you to visit my brother’s website jamescrum.com and click on the HOPE2HEAL tab.  The main way you can support us is prayer.  This is new territory for all of us, and we covet all of your prayers.  If you want to support the ministry financially, you can do so on the website.  We appreciate any and all help.

We are looking forward to good days for HOPE2HEAL as we look forward to God’s healing for those with cancer!

Joy

I love spring!  Things start to finally thaw out and warm up. Plants start to bloom.  The sun seems to shine brighter!  It’s such a time of renewal.

I think this year it’s even more true for me.  It seems like it’s been a long time since I have felt thawed out and bright.  But it’s finally happening!

A friend of mine and I have been each other’s sounding board this past year.  We have both experienced loss in our lives.  That loss has made us both really wonder about so many things.  One of the things she noticed was she pulled away from so many people in her life.  She didn’t even really want to spend time with her family.  Staying at home was fine with her.  I felt the same way.  But I didn’t even want to do anything at home.  I would just sit and watch TV and play on my iPad.

Then one Sunday, my friend’s son preached a sermon that really spoke to her.  She said she just sat and cried knowing that he was preaching the message for her.  It spoke to her hurt, so she shared the link where they had recorded it, and I listened.  WOW!  He had definitely spoken those words for me, too.  The one thing that really broke through, however, was the fact that the joy was still there.  No matter what we were going through, because we were Christians, the joy was there.  We just may have trouble seeing it right then.

Wait a minute!  What?  You mean I still had my joy?  I realized then that he was right!  I was grieving, and that was very real, but I also still had joy!  I have joy in the fact that since I am a Christian and my parents were Christians, I will see them again.  I have joy in the fact that I am living with a Christian husband and raising Christian children.  I have joy in the fact that my husband and I have jobs.  I have joy in the fact that I have a home and friends and my needs are met every day. I have joy!

If you’ve never heard “Old Church Choir” by Zach Williams, you should look it up. There’s a line that says, “I’ve got a heart overflowing ‘cause I’ve been restored.”  That’s how I’m feeling these days, but the main message of that song really sums up how I feel.  “Oh, there ain’t nothing gonna steal my joy.”

Quiet vs. Loud Faith

Have you ever met someone who has loud faith?  You know the kind.  They are the ones with whom you share your prayer requests, and they tell you immediately that things are going to be fine.  In fact, they pray with you right then and declare in Jesus’ name that things will be fine.  Or when you ask them how things are going, they share their troubles and trials, but it is always couched with the fact that God has already promised to take care of it, and they are not worried.  I call those loud faith people.  They just claim it loudly and proudly.

Then there are those who are a little quieter about their faith.  When someone shares prayer requests with them, they say they will pray about it, and they do.  It’s just in their own time and own space. They just may not stop right then and pray with the person.  When asked how things are going, they sometimes share what’s going on, and other times, they gloss things over. They may not want the loud faith people to be loud right there in the moment.

Which one are you? I think I may be more of a quiet faith person.  Lately I’ve been thinking about my own faith and if my quiet faith is a sign that it isn’t as strong as loud faith.  Like everyone else, I go through personal struggles, but I don’t always share them.  When I do, I don’t shout them from the rooftops either.  I share with a few close friends or family.  I do sometimes shout them at and through the ceiling in my bedroom.  I do cry out to God, and there are times my praise sessions are pretty awesome, even if it is just me and God.

So which one is the right kind of faith to have?  Should we be loud or quiet in our faith?  I don’t know that there is a right kind of faith as long as we have faith.  You see, God is a great big God who wants our honor and praise and faith.  And He created us as individuals, not as cookie cutter Christians.  So have faith whether it is quiet or loud!  God will take care of you and all of your needs.  Take it from me, a quiet faith Christian who sometimes gets a little loud when she’s by herself!

Paralyzed

A year ago today my family’s life changed.  My mom had gone to the hospital on January 13, 2017, with what she thought was a stroke.  Even though the symptoms were similar, she was not responding to the medication to relieve the pain.  By Sunday the 15^th, one year ago today, we were told the devastating news no one wants to hear.  My mom had cancer.  She was diagnosed with a glioblastoma which is one of the most aggressive forms of cancer, and it was in her brain.

When I was thinking about what to write today, I thought about our reactions and decisions and feelings associated with that day.  There are so many things that have happened since that day that I could write about. I think that at some point I will write about those.  In fact, I want to write a series about words associated with a cancer diagnosis.  They aren’t necessarily words for the patient but words for the family.  But today, I want to talk about the word “paralyzed.”

We had to make some quick decisions with and for my mom when we received the diagnosis. Fortunately, mom was able to help in those decisions, and we all decided on surgery followed by radiation and chemo.  While we were in the processes of everything related with my mom, we just acted.  We went day to day.  We only planned out the next few days or maybe a few weeks.

We were paralyzed to plan further than that.  We had been told that most of the patients that have glioblastomas removed will have a reoccurrence within the first year, and they won’t live long when it reoccurs.  We knew we had limited time with mom.  So long term plans were put on hold.  When people asked me about any plans, I would say it depends on what was happening with my mom.  My brothers couldn’t make long term plans, even ones associated with jobs.  All three of us were juggling schedules because we had decided to take care of mom during this time.  Since we all lived long distance from her, that also took a coordinated effort on our parts.  Our spouses put plans on hold because none of us knew what the future held.  But it was what we wanted to do for our mom.  It was how we honored her and how we honored our promise to our dad to take care of mom.

In a little over 8 months my mom reached her eternal reward.  I may write other blog posts that cover more about her journey (and our journey with her).  I will say this for now.  My brothers and I do not regret the journey with our mom.  There were hard days.  There were great days.  There were days we didn’t know if we could do it anymore.  But we look back and are glad we did the journey with her the way we did.

However, for me, the word paralyzed is still part of my journey.  At the beginning of last year, I had made some plans to accomplish some things, as most of us do.  When things happened with mom, those were put on hold.  I don’t regret that at all.  As I told mom last summer, there was nothing I would rather be doing than spending time with her.  But ever since she has been gone, I have this sense of still being paralyzed.  It’s as if everything is still on hold.  I can’t seem to get going again.  I know I should.  I go through my day doing the things that have to be done.  I go to work and teach.  I get the paperwork done that needs to be done.  I go to church.  I put one foot in front of the other…. But other than that…I feel like I’m still waiting.  I just don’t know what I’m waiting for.  Paralyzed.

Maybe this is part of the grief process.  Maybe everyone feels this way at some point in their life whether they are going through grief or just going through a rough time in their life.  I do know that I’m ready for this feeling to go away. I think I’ll cling to my mom’s favorite verses for a while.  “Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.  Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.” (Psalm 37:4-5 KJV).

Resolutions and Goals for 2018

I’m thinking about resolutions or goals for this year .  I don’t like making them because I don’t keep them.  But what if…

What if I kept them?  What if I tried at least?  What harm would it do?  So if I were to make some goals what would they be?

Bible reading comes to mind.  I’ve been doing more of that on a consistent basis lately.  No pressure.  No set goal of so many chapters.  If I would continue that, a goal for the year might be: Read my Bible every night I’m home.  It doesn’t lock me into something I can’t get behind on.  It’s just read.

I am also thinking about Tenaciously Teal or T-Teal and how to do something there.  This is a non-profit that reaches out to cancer patients.  They provide care packs to people who have cancer as well as giving gas cards to some who need them for transportation.  They also sponsor brave shaves and empowerment photo shoots for cancer patients.  They sent a care pack to my mom as she fought cancer this last year.  I was also part of a care pack party this last year as well.  I want to be a part of another care pack party.  I also want to write some encouragement cards for the care packs.  Or I want to deliver some packs someday.  So maybe a goal would be:  Volunteer for T-Teal by writing cards, participating in a care pack party, and asking to deliver care packs.

I already have in mind some commitments to church.  But I think putting some voice to them would make them more solid.  So my goal there would be:  See that a pictorial directory gets completed for Lake Overholser Church of the Nazarene and participate as a greeter.

Blogging is another priority.  I do not think I will ever be a daily blogger, and maybe not even a weekly blogger.  But I can do one a month.  So my goal will be:  Write at least one blog post per month.

This last year with my mom has shown me how important it is to have one’s affairs in order.  This has been on my mind for quite a while.  So my goal here is:  Have a will for Kevin and myself made and to have all of our important documents and papers in order for our kids.

Another goal that has come out of this last year with my mom has to do with purging the amount of stuff I have.  I did a good job this last year of getting rid of things, but I’m far from done.  So a goal for me in this area:  Go through rooms again and through the garage to purge and organize the things we do have.  (This goal will take a good chunk of the year to accomplish.)

For someone who doesn’t like to make goals/resolutions, I just did a pretty good job.  So what are your goals?  Take a risk and write some down!  My pastor does a sermon early in the year that outlines his goals as well as gives an accounting of the previous year’s goals.  He says you should write them down and have someone hold you accountable.  I guess since I just made this my first blog post for the year, anyone out there can hold me accountable.  That’s a little scary!  But guess what?  I just crossed off writing my first monthly blog post on my goal list!

Christmas Traditions

The last couple of weeks we have spent time doing those things that we do every year.  It started with getting out the tree and putting on the lights and putting on all the ornaments.  I have a little addiction to Christmas ornaments – okay – maybe a big addiction.  My boys have told me I really need another tree.  Not a problem, boys!  I am now planning to take all the snowmen off the big tree next year and put a tree up in the office.  Of course, that may mean I need to add a few new ornaments to both trees – just to fill them out again.  When we put the tree up, I unwrap everything as the boys put them on the tree.  That way I get to see every ornament every year.  I get to remember where they came from or why we bought them.  It’s so fun for me!  One of the special things on the tree is an ornament that Kevin’s grandmother made.  It’s a ceramic face of an angel.  It gets a special place on the tree every year, and Kevin is the one to hang it every year.

Then I started putting up all the other decorations.  Kevin loves Christmas just as much as I do.  Neither one of us really will tell the other one “no” when it comes to buying Christmas related items.  We just sheepishly grin as we reveal our new treasure.  So we have lots of things all over the house.  As I pull them out, I get the same warm feelings I do with ornaments.  This year I was privileged to get a few new-to-me snowmen from my mother-in-law’s collection.  She passed away several years ago, and my father-in-law and my step-mother-in-law passed some along to me.  I remember several of them being displayed in her home, and now I get to see them and remember her.

This year other memories have come flooding in.  I’ve been doing the usual baking.  I made pumpkin chocolate chip muffins for my Sunday school class today, and I used the recipe of my sister-in-law’s sister.  Unfortunately, she passed away way too early in life.  We lived close to each other in Kansas City for a while, and I enjoyed getting to know her.  I missed her as I made her muffins yesterday.  When I put the pumpkin pie spice in, it reminded me of a story about my dad who is also gone now.  When he was working in the kitchen in the Air Force, he noticed a lot of plates coming back with just a bite of pumpkin pie out of them.  One of his friends asked him what he did to the pies.  He tasted one of them and realized he left out the pumpkin pie spice!  That’s the one ingredient you don’t want to leave out of anything pumpkin flavored!  We always teased my dad about not being able to help us with the pumpkin pies at the holidays.

I also made my mom’s fruitcake this weekend.  I think that was the hardest for me.  You see my mom passed away in September this year.  So this is recent heartache.  That doesn’t mean the others’ passing is any less hurtful or I miss them any less, but this hurt is still raw.  But the holidays aren’t the holidays without my mom’s fruitcake.  So Kevin and I made it Friday night.  I could hear her telling me, “Be sure to wear gloves and spray them well so it doesn’t stick while you’re mixing.”  Of course, that was always followed by, “Be careful! It will be hot!  Don’t burn yourself.”  She was always watching out for us, always offering advice.

Christmas is and will always be one of my favorite times of the year.  This one will be a little tougher and maybe a little sadder.  But I know that my mom would not want me to stop my traditions or stay sad.  She would want me to remember.  She would want me to enjoy the decorations.  And she would want me to wear gloves, be careful, and enjoy the fruitcake!

 

The Many Paths I Travel

When I started thinking of blogging again, I thought about the many topics I could cover.  That’s when the journey theme kept coming to mind because it seems like there are so many different paths I’m taking during this stage of life.

I’m a wife of 26 years!  That’s so exciting to share these days!  I have so many friends who have been hurt by divorce or who have lost a spouse.  I know I am blessed to still have Kevin as my husband.  Our journey hasn’t always been easy, but we have seen many ways in which God has worked.

I’m a mother of two amazing boys!  I should probably say young men at this stage.  Brandon is a junior in college already!  Ryan is starting 6^th grade!  It hardly seems possible that time has moved so quickly.  They are both unique blessings to our family, and I can’t wait to share how they have impacted my journey!

I’m a teacher of 21 years!  Yes, even though education seems to be taking hits all the time, especially in OK, I have stuck it out.  I love my job!  Frustrating at times?  Of course!  Rewarding at times?  Absolutely!  I would love to encourage other people who feel called to this profession to pursue their dreams!

I’m a daughter of…well, I won’t say exactly how long I’ve been a daughter!  But I’m in a unique stage right now.  My mom is battling cancer, and in the last 8 months, my brothers and I have taken over her care.  Parenting a parent is no easy task.  I’m truly a member of the sandwich generation.

I’m a sister, a sister-in-law, aunt, niece, daughter-in-law, friend, the list could go on and on about how I’m identified.

Each one of these identifiers seems to lead me down a different path.  The problem is sometimes these paths seem to go in different directions.  They lead me away from other paths I think I need to be on.  For instance, it’s the beginning of school.  We just finished day five with the students.  I’m exhausted!  It’s tiring just trying to get myself back in the swing of things.  Then I have to motivate 115 students to get back in the swing of things and make my lesson on grammar interesting enough to keep them awake after they’ve been sleeping all summer!

But I also need to be on the family path.  Ryan is also exhausted!  He just started middle school, so he’s in the same boat as my students where he has been lazy all summer and now has to be awake and in the classroom by 7:40 ready to learn.  He stays with me after school since he’s in the same building now, but he’s already grown tired of being there very long after school, and it’s only the fifth day!  But I have to work, and the beginning of the year is very busy.  I can’t just leave when the bell rings with the kids.  So I feel torn about leaving as soon as I can and staying to get things finished.  I also wish I could be more involved with taking care of my mom.  She’s back in Baton Rouge, and I’m in OK, so I can’t do much from here right now.

These paths don’t cross very well sometimes.  So what do I do?  Sometimes I feel God telling me that I just need to slow down and be content with the path I’m on.  He is guiding and directing me in the path I should go because I’ve asked Him to do so.  He wants me to rest in Him and let Him take care of the things I can’t.  So when you’re on your journey and your paths are crossing all over the place, slow down.  Breathe.  Ask God which path He wants you to take for the day or for the hour or sometimes for the next few minutes.  Let Him take care of the other paths for a while.  Enjoy the journey you’re on for the moment.

P.S.  In case you haven’t noticed.  I’m also a Christian!  I didn’t list it.  I wanted to see if you inferred it from my writing.  (It’s an English teacher thing!)  J